2020 | In Review
Anyone else feel like 2020 both dragged on forever and ended abruptly? Just me? Okay.
I’ve been typing…erasing, rewriting, typing some more…multiple times to try and get the “right words” to describe what 2020 was, but truthfully - there is nothing poetic or well-thought-out that will encompass the emotions that we all experienced over the last year.
so, instead, think of this little post as a “lessons I’m taking into 2021” / celebration of how the hard moments made me stronger. I hope that it can serve in some small way as a reminder of the good in the mess, in embracing change, and for slowing down. I’m a chronic workaholic - it’s really hard for me to stop working at the end of the each day / for the weekend, and I struggle with equating my worth to my productivity and things checked off the to-do list. The beauty in 2020 for me was an empty calendar, the chance to truly re-prioritize what I was saying “yes” to, and to connect with the me behind the crown and sash, behind the college leadership positions, behind college as the security blanket, behind the drama and chaos of being a 20-something.
the good good:
graduated college !! and finished my last semester with a 4.0
became program director of a program I helped to start as a freshman, the Deaton Scholars Program; and then became a paid employee of The Deaton Institute
started a graduate program at a school I was to scared to apply to for undergrad!
learned an incredibly difficult talent song to perform at Miss Missouri, one that I LOVE and idolized for so long
the bad & what I learned:
not walking at graduation — as a first-generation college student, this one really stung. I dreamed of this moment and experiencing all the “senior” events, activities, and recognitions, but the hardest part was not getting to have proper goodbyes with people that truly shaped and transformed the last 4 years of my existence.
What I Learned:
Nothing is a guarantee.
Your accomplishments are not defined or recognized by a big ceremony, a piece of paper, or by gifts/validation from other people.
Thank people as you go - don’t wait for a big moment or perfect opportunity to do so!
Be present in each experience and in the people around you, because you truly never know when the situation could/will change.
participate, don’t anticipate. This is a mantra I’ve adopted for my Miss America (next section!) preparations, but it holds true for life too. If 2020 taught me anything, it’s that anything can change and anything can happen. Dates that had been on the calendar for months (graduation, Mizzou ‘39 reveal, Kappa Alpha Theta senior events, last class of senior year, NSAC finals, my last day at FAPRI, my spring break trip to Europe) vanished within quite literally 3 days. If I could go back in time I wish I would’ve told myself to more strongly participate in the moments of each day and of each week, instead of anticipating these bigger moments to come - that ultimately didn’t happen.
Miss Missouri / Miss America postponement - from a public health perspective, absolutely agree on this decision, but I’d be lying if I said this was something that I took easily. For the better part of 2020, this laid heavy on my heart - and I was broken. I feel so ready for the job of Miss Missouri and this year, I just felt something *different in my preparations. I can’t describe it, but then hearing my dream was postponed to August, and then a full year really took its toll on my spirit.
What I Learned:
if only I could go back and just give 2020-Holly a lil hug and say you’ll come out better - because not having a Miss Missouri competition this year was the biggest blessing in disguise. I’ve talked about this a bit on my social media & am certainly open to discussing it more should there be interest, but for a lot of my Miss Missouri journey - especially the beginning years - I worked for the validation of others: my directors, mock interview judges, the Miss MO judges, the other girls, random people, what have you. For the first time, I didn’t have that noise - and this “extra” year was my opportunity to truly mature and grow more comfortable in my skin and who I am, not in who “Miss Missouri” Holly is and not in who others formulated me to be. Idk I wish everyone could have this breakthrough in some form, because it was exactly what I needed.
Don’t wait until something happens TO you, let it be something that happens FOR you. This is an interesting perspective that I’ve gained from this year, but for the last 4 years of my life I’ve been a local titleholder and actively preparing for the same week in June, every. single. year. and oftentimes the conversation is “as Miss Missouri, I’ll do x, y, and z”. I’ve declined summer internship opportunities, summer travel plans with friends, study abroad experiences, etc. in order to have my Miss MO experience and be committed to the potential of winning should that have happened for me — but this extra year really shined a light on how to be fully committed to a goal, and how to equally be living in the moment of other things. The beauty in the rebranded Miss America 2.0 is the focus on professional and personal development which has almost given women the permission to be professionally-minded in the pursuit of the crown, when before that wasn’t a focus/publicized.
Practices + Intentions I’m taking into 2021:
Less social media & screen time! I’ve set up social media locks on my phone to be a total of 2 hours max on all social and entertainment apps each day, with the goal of decreasing that by 15 minutes each month until my regular amount is less than an hour a day. I also don’t sleep with my phone in my bedroom, and my apps lock up at 7:30pm and don’t open until 8am. I also turned off push notifications for everything but my phone calls and texts — and this has been LIFE-GIVING! As someone who is highly attached to email, this let me read emails at the time that was most convenient for me - not as they rolled in every second. Sometimes this is hard, but it’s really helped me to be more cognizant of how often I’m turning to social media to fill “dead” time or space, and to put my phone down when I’m with others.
Calendar audit/time blocking/intentional planning! When you think about your life as a series of years, months, weeks, and days, and that the culmination of what you do each of those days forms your weeks, those weeks form your months, etc., it becomes more clear exactly how important it is to have control of and to better manage your day-to-day to fit the person you want to be and what you want to do in this life. I’m still working on this and actively implementing systems (I’m never been one to start things right on Jan. 1!), but I’m going to chat about this one in a detailed blog post next week. This is SO important and eye-opening so I want us to do this practice together!
this ties together this point and the next, but a morning routine, y’all!! Super important. I’ve realized that I love getting work done in the morning and that I’m actually more of a morning person, but it’s difficult for me to wake up sometimes. So I’ve been structuring my days to have a morning workout at 6:30 so I have a “reason” to get out of bed, followed by the same breakfast sandwich every morning and a cup of plain black coffee, then my daily devotional and prayer journal, and then any other reading I want to start or do for the day. It’s reassuring to start your day with a few wins, and helps me stay grounded and focused on what matters most.
Checking in with myself weekly — this goes without saying, but self-care became more prevalent in mainstream conversations in 2020 and will continue to be an aspect of life that we each need to pursue more regularly and dive deeper into. I’m being more intentional in this new year about asking myself how things/people/experience make me feel, if I enjoy what I’m doing, and what I would change or improve or stop to make it better for me. In one of my courses this past semester we talked about job crafting and identifying tasks of your job you love and you dislike to better frame your job in a way that serves your interests and brings you more fulfillment.
Prioritizing school more! Although it was less than 3 months of “off school” time before I started my graduate program, it was and has been really difficult for me to transition back to being a student in a virtual learning environment. Many times I felt imposter syndrome as one of the youngest students in my Professional MBA cohort with the least amount of work experience, and other times I felt capable, empowered, and informed. Given the late evening course times, it is to sit over Zoom for the class & just kinda ~ half be there ~ but this semester I’m working on making better use of course time, designating parts of my schedule specifically for school activities, and in engaging the professors and Washington University more, particularly in the realm of career, professional, and personal development.
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All this to say, 2020 was a doooooozie. a big ole dumpster fire. but when you look a little deeper at the hurt and the pain, there were some beautiful moments, lessons, and just heart and soul work that would not have happened had I not experienced all that became of the last year. I would love to hear your biggest lessons of 2020 and what practices you’re bringing into this new year.
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Holly